The Misunderstood Hood!!!

It was my friend James Stone who coined me with the term “BLACK GRAPE” which he said means something like a person who gives wrong impressions (or so I understand.) This conversation came up one night at Lorrie’s, which used to be one of our group hangouts for drinks and videoke. This conversation took place a couple of years back, four years ago to be exact because of an incident that really made me ponder. I never really told James the real reason why I was being melodramatic about this issue, I remembered that I asked him if I give people the wrong impression and he said yes and explained to me this black grape thing. I was drunk that night when I had the said conversation with James, so I don’t really remember if I told him the real issue but perhaps I did without actually explaining it in details. Before I delve deeper into the subject, I will explain how that “black grape” issue came up.

I live with my family in a rented old and dilapidated house, which is too expensive to maintain so we also take in boarders (male boarders that is.) Through the years some of our boarders who stayed with us for quite a long time have started developing a bond of camaraderie with our family making them honorary members of our dysfunctional family. Now, I, having such a really bubbly and talkative personality would usually hang out with the boarders until past bedtime having conversations with them regarding everything and nothing, no holds barred, no censorship. One night or probably wee hour of the morn, a boarder (name not mentioned in order to spare the privacy of the not so innocent) sent me a text message to my mobile phone saying that he had a sort of crush/desire for me and was propositioning to play hooky with me. I was already asleep when I read the message and totally not interested but not wanting to be rude (even if he was the rude one for making an indecent proposal) that my reply was that his confession is flattering but I am not interested and I fell soundly back to sleep. The next thing I knew was that he was rousing me from my sleep (he entered my room) and wanted to play, I was scared (although my pride would never let me admit it) and angry at the same time that I ran to the other side of the room where my brother lay asleep on the floor (I did not scream, screaming is too pathetic.) It was dark and he didn’t see where I ran so in his pursuit of me, he managed to step on my sleeping brother who woke up and the brute (a.k.a. the boarder) pretended that he was borrowing a set of spare keys for the front door from me. When he left the room, I looked at my mobile phone and saw his message stating that he is going to gather his balls and sneak to the room I share with my brother if I did not reply and since I was already asleep, suffice to say I was not able to reply. The next day at work the beast had the nerve to call and tell me that everything was my fault because I failed to respond to his text message. That is how I ended up at Lorrie’s with James that night because I was so depressed because it had hurt that once again, another person thought me to be a cheap hussy who has loose morals.

This is my side of the “black grape” story…

I consider myself as a liberated person (we are not talking about the political aspect here but the social), in the sense that I have learned to adapt and adjust to the changing times that the world has gone through. Others think of it as being influenced by the Western cultures. Is it so bad? I admit that I am not exactly a virtuous person, that I am not a virgin, that I do enjoy sex and I am a sexually active person (duh! I have a steady boyfriend for three years now.) Does that mean that I get classified as a whore?

I believe that there is a totally big distinction between being Liberal and promiscuity, although the addle brains seem to think that the two terms are synonymous. I am not afraid to open my arms to change, to drop the old ways of thinking and living the new, but that doesn’t mean that I am totally devoid of values or that my being is wrapped in a blanket of immorality. Hence, the “black grape” is born…

James said that people who don’t really know me well enough tend to judge me as a slut, and a cheap one at that, my question is why? Because of the way I think? Act? Speak? Because I do not conform to the standards set by the moralistic society? Is it so wrong to stand out and dare to be different? (Isn’t that last thought a slogan for a certain commercial?)How exactly do people define what is moral and not? I do admit that I have slept with ten guys as of count but I did chose to sleep with them, I do not engage in sex with people indiscriminately; so why does the majority think that I do?

I know! Because I am a black grape…

Since time immemorial, Art has been a never ending topic of interest amongst people. Evidence of these has been uncovered by historians and archaeologists over the years. Some pieces and works would even date back to the Neolithic and Paleolithic ages. Like most people, I am also one of those who have been fascinated by the subject, but what is art really? Why is it so important to the world? Art simply put, I have defined, as the expression of emotions through indirect mediums that will convey these feelings to the viewing public and done in a creative manner that is appealing to the senses. Even in my childhood I have always been in tune with the arts and felt a certain affinity to it. In this essay, my intent is to be able to give my ideals, beliefs and opinions regarding the subject in my own words and from my own heart.

As a child, I have often mused that Art in itself is magical. For indirectly, it can channel communication between strangers, that in one instant will enable them to create a bond that would link them to each other despite the anonymity. I know of people who have been moved to tears whenever they see a beautiful painting or hear a piece of Beethoven’s classic sonatas. I, on the other hand, have spent many nights crying over a tragic scene in some of the books I have read. Because of this, I have wondered how such a thing is possible. I never met any of the writers of the books I have read, but in that three hours I spent reading their works, they were able to play with my emotions from grief to euphoria; from anger to love. That in that moment the writer reached out to me and I understood and felt what the writer in itself has been through.

I am no connoisseur of art nor do I plan to be one, for art is not merely a career that needs expertise but a life. It is how one tunes in to his feelings and tries to voice out these feelings by making a masterpiece of it for the entire world to see and appreciate. I am not well versed with the Arts much, in truth I know nothing about the differences between Van Gogh and Da Vinci. I have no idea about Impressionism and Surrealism; or even about Hugo and Camus. I have not read Platt, Wolfe or Chaucer. I cannot tell the difference between Beethoven and Mozart, but just because I don’t know much doesn’t mean I cannot appreciate them and besides; I am not completely ignorant of the subject. I knew about Picasso and his life, I love Shakespeare and I dream about seeing Albrecht at the opera someday.

Art anyway does not stop with the past for I believe that it is continuous. Anything that we do as long as we put our heart and soul into it is considered an art. You do not have to be someone famous just to be able to practice it. I would like to believe that I am an artist in my own right for I express my deepest sentiments in a creative manner that pleases some people but not all. For Art as we know it is subjective and no matter how we shuffle everything, there will never be an objective way on how it is perceived…

John Paul Manuel was, is and will always be that dream…That dream that never came true… He has been the subject of most of my fantasies and daydreams for the past ten years of my life. To me John Paul Manuel is a symbol, an epitome of all that I had ever dreamed, hoped and longed for in a man. To me John Paul Manuel would always be that and no one else…

I am not asking that John Paul Manuel return my feelings, all I asked is that someday, he knows that I exist, and if by chance I would be able to share his world by being his friend, I would deem my life complete and fulfilled and I would not ask for anything more…

Death to me has a rather mysterious quality. I have often viewed it as something inevitable and that sooner or later each of us will succumb to its call. Death to me is not an end but rather a beginning or another phase in our endless journey through this world. The thought of death to me has always been a vision of of perfect peace and calm, something like a breath of fresh air, a way to revive the ailing spirit in a different way. I have always thought that way until one day… Leeya died…

As a pagan, I believe in the reincarnation of the soul, so perhaps, it is still likely that our paths would cross yet again. Who knows? We may even greet each other and this time, we might both be human… By the way, Leeya happened to be my… dog…

It wasn’t until the early rays of sunlight started appearing in the sky that I finally decided to fall asleep. As I rolled over the other side of the bed the tearstains on my pillow revealed what I’ve been doing all night. Yes, I was crying with all my might. As I was dozing into a deep slumber, the maid entered my room and shook me awake. I winced as the bright sunlight shone through me. I groaned as the maid once more nudged me to arise. After what seemed like a split second I managed to get up. After doing my daily morning routine, I walked through the vast halls of this big palacial mansion. I listened as my footsteps echoed and re-echoed through the spacious corridors. I shivered slightly as I felt the damp cold. Swirling images of what happened a few days back raced through my mind. I greeted everybody in the house with a fickle smile showing that whatever it was that happened just didn’t affect me at all. I even ate without difficulty. I’ve always been a good actress and I pride myself for that. What comes after breakfast worries me a lot. I knew this was going to be a long day. Well, breakfast doesn’t last forever and I knew that, so I had to get out of the kitchen after finishing my meal. As I was on my way out, a brilliant thought came upon me. I decided to go to the woods.The woods? Yes, the woods always clear my mind. As I made my way through the woods, I knew I made the right decision. After walking for just a span of a few minutes I already felt great. I could feel myself as part of nature and it lightened the burden I’ve been carrying these past few days. As I rounded myself in a corner, I gasped when I saw the cliff. The cliff? Yes, the one overlooking the beach.This had been my favorite place, and John Paul’s too. Suddenly, images of John Paul started appearing in my mind. I knew I was just hallucinating, John Paul can’t be here… he’s gone… John Paul will never come back. The tears I’ve been holding back started to spill out of my still swollen eyes. My heart again started to break into a million pieces. Suddenly, not bearing the pain and anxiety mixing in my heart, I crept to the edge of the cliff. Gently, I closed my eyes and… JUMPED! I waited for the quick rush of air but feeling none I opened my eyes. I gasped in surprise for there was John Paul clasping my wrist and preventing me from falling off the cliff. I was still crying in despair as John Paul pulled me up and away from the edge of the cliff. I sat on the soft meadow of grass as John Paul held me in his arms. He held my hands and smiled at me. I smiled in return. Indeed! Words need not be spoken between us for we felt the same thing. John Paul patted my head and smiled, I nodded my head in response telling him that I understand. John Paul lifted my face to his and our lips met in a first and last kiss. As our lips parted I smiled and John Paul smiled back at me. Slowly he got up and walked away into the deeper parts of the woods. I watched John Paul until he vanished in thin air. I wiped away the tears trying to form in my eyes and slowly made my way home. John Paul is gone and he won’t come back. All he’ll ever be is a memory of a splendid past that I will never forget. The cliff? Yes, I know, the cliff will always be a special place in my heart. There, I can be near to nature and be near to John Paul… John Paul…

I have loved Mark Recto, though not wisely but well… There was a time in my life when I was extremely sure that I would have given up everything, just for him… I would have died for him, you know? For Mark Recto what could I not do?

I met Mark Recto at an age where I have already lost the years of my youthful innocence, when I have already given up on a lot of things, especially on love. I do not mean to imply here that I had been cynical or devoid of all pleasantness with regards to the matter of love, for I can assure you that I was quite happy with my life that time, It was just that I have given up the hope of ever having that love that I have often wished for my whole life, and then, there came Mark Recto…

The coming of Mark Recto into my life was like a godsend omen from above (coming from me who has a different concept of god.) It made me hope of a future that is not bleak and it made me believe that perhaps, I do deserve to experience that so called Love described in many of the romance novels I have read. It was a “too good to be true” feeling and it overwhelmed me. There had been no other feeling that could compare to what I had felt for Mark Recto then, and I have described that feeling as pure bliss…

Mark Recto made me feel alive, alive in a way that made me think how I could have lived before without him. For that reason during those times, I have seen to it that I am nothing but perfect for him. I have carefully arranged myself so as it would conform to what Mark Recto would prefer in a girlfriend. I have given him everything, much more than I could ever possibly give, and given up even the things that I held dear just to satisfy his whims, but alas! It had not been enough for Mark Recto…

I had known that things between me and Mark Recto would never be permanent, that eventually it would all come to an end. Even Mark Recto hinted at such an occurrence a few times, and it had hurt. I have hoped that due to me being perfect he would change his mind about leaving, oh! How wrong I was!

A few months before Mark Recto left, I remembered how he hugged me so tight I could barely breathe and he told me:

“Jen, Jen, what would I do without you?”

To which I replied:

“You’ll get on with your life, what else is there to do?”

I saw how Mark Recto tried to hide the tears and it pierced right through me. I wanted to cry that time but I bit back my lip and held myself up as bravely as I can muster. He tried to explain why things will have to end between us eventually but I refused to listen. I shrugged it off pretending to be nonchalant but the pain felt like sharp needles piercing my heart. And that’s when I asked myself how I could ever let go of Mark Recto…

Unbeknownst to all, Mark Recto and I broke up three months before he left me for good, yet, I clung on to him attempting feebly to make him stay. I had hated myself then when Mark Recto looked me in the eye and said:

“Oh Jen! I know you still love me, I can feel it…”

That had hurt so much because he never once said if he still loved me. I cried so much that night, I don’t want to be treated like a rag but I could not let Mark Recto go. I have never been so torn in my life, and it made me wonder how I could have changed so much in so short a time…

The pain I felt when Mark Recto left for good was unbearable, it felt like a part of me has died and what’s left is the part that’s slowly drifting to the edges of insanity. I was at a loss, it feels like spending a lifetime in a different world and then getting transported into another world, it was bizarre. I lost count of how many nights I have spent crying for Mark Recto, analyzing how he could have left me without even so much as a glance. I lost track of the number of times I got drunk or the amount of money I have spent for karaoke tokens just to sing sad love songs for Mark Recto, and in those dreadful seconds I realized that in a relationship, it is not enough that you just love a person (no matter how greatly) you would also have to think of yourself as well.

My life had revolved around Mark Recto so much that when he finally left, I haven’t the faintest idea how I would now spend the rest of my life, and in the lowliest throes of my despair, I succumbed myself to the great bitterness I have known so well. It was in those agonizing seconds that I felt a sense of calm wash over me. It is ironic, the twist of fate, that when you are down you have nowhere else to go but up. So I did, I soared up from the depths of my desolation and embraced the soothing arms of serenity…

It is true what they say, that time really does heal all wounds for no matter how hard I tried to preserve that pain to remind me of my undying love for Mark Recto, time did gradually eased my sorrow and later on healed me. With that gradual healing, I noticed that my bitterness disappeared and I have accepted the situation with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child…

I am okay now, even though some nights I would still cry over losing Mark Recto that doesn’t mean I am not over him. Of course, when you love someone as deeply as I have loved Mark Recto, it never completely goes away. I have also accepted that nobody would ever come so close to being as dear as Mark Recto was to me. I am positive I will fall in love again, but the ghost of Mark Recto would forever haunt me. I am not angry at Mark Recto anymore, and if ever I met him again, well… That would be another story…

The biggest mistake I ever made was to think that it was beauty that would make me truly happy, for it is only when I got such beauty that I realize the folly of my thoughts. Such is my error that if I, be given another chance to renew this episode of my life, I would make it so that I be content with simplicity; a simplicity which I lost when I asked for this most coveted gift… beauty. The beauty that I so longed for that brought upon me an unfathomable unhappiness…

As I look upon my wretched life, I could not anymore do anything but cry for before I am able to realize the error of my foolish ways, it was already too late. I have succumbed myself too deep into this hellhole that it has already imprisoned me, and if by chance I am able to escape, I know that I still cannot go back to who I was once for I can never ever belong anywhere but here…

Kahit gaano katagal pa siguro ang panahong lumipas mananatili pa rin sa sulok ng aking gunita si Jeriko. Siguro nga kahit pilit kong ikubli ang kanyang alaala sa kaibuturan ng aking puso’t isipan, patuloy pa rin siyang uusbong at uukilkilin ang delubyo ng aking kamalayan. Marahil, isa siya sa mga alaalang magmumulto sa akin habangbuhay.

Minahal ko naman si Jeriko, oo, kahit sa maikling panahon na inilagi niya masasabi ko ng ganap na minahal ko siya. Pero bakit ganon? Kahit pala gaano mo kamahal ang isang tao, makukuha mo pa rin siyang saktan. Saktan sa paraan na alam mo sa sarili mo na walang kapatawaran. Paano nga nangyari yun, bakit sa ganito nauwi ang lahat? Na ang pagkawala pala ni Jeriko ay magdudulot sa ‘kin ng di maarok na sakit at kalungkutan…

Dumating si Jeriko sa buhay ko sa panahong hindi ko inaasahan, sa panahong akala ko ay imposibleng dumating siya. Pero minsan nga, ang buhay lagi kang sinosorpresa kasi ang inaasahan mong imposible biglang nagiging posible. Ganun ang nangyari kay Jeriko, bigla na lang dumating, nagulo tuloy ang mundo ko.

Hinala pa lang ng napipintong pagdating ni Jeriko, pagtutol na ang unang sumulak sa aking dibdib. Hindi maaaring dumating siya sa panahong ito, dahil hindi pa ito ang panahong inilaan ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko kailanman nanaisin na mamulat siya sa panahong ito, sa panahong ang buhay ko ay windang na windang. Na para bang ang buhay ko ay walang tinutumbok na direksyon, ika nga nila, kalat na kalat at walang patutunguhan.

Nang mapagtanto kong isa nang ganap na katotohanan ang nalalapit na pagdating ni Jeriko, umapila ako sa kanya na ipagpaliban ang pagdating. Nakiusap akong bumalik na lamang siya sa panahong handa na akong harapin at tanggapin siya ng buong puso at walang pag-aalinglangan. Ngunit hindi niya dininig ang aking pakiusap, at sa bawat paglipas ng mga araw, lalo kong nararamdaman ang kanyang presensyang bumabalot sa aking katauhan. Gayunpaman, patuloy pa rin ang pagsamo ko na huwag na muna siyang dumating.

Siguro, may hudas na nakarinig sa mga kahilingan ko… Kasi paglipas lang ng ilang buwan, nagkaroon na ako ng masasamang pangitain tungkol kay Jeriko. Darating siya tapos mawawala rin agad, sa umpisa nga ng pangitain ko, makikita ko ang sarili ko na kasama siya at ang nararamdaman ko ay di mapantayang kaligayahan tapos biglang bigla siyang mawawala at isang matinding kilabot ang babalot sa kin. Iiyak ako tapos tatawagin ko siya, hahanapin ko siya… Tapos hindi ko na siya makikita at pakiramdam ko kasalanan ko na nawala siya. Sa bandang huli, magkakatotoo yun, kasalanan ko kung bakit nawala sa ‘kin si Jeriko.

Nung gabi bago nawala sa kin si Jeriko, umiyak ako kasi ang totoo, ayokong gawin yun sa kanya, pero kailangan eh, kasi yun yung inaakala ko na aayos sa lahat. Na kapag wala na siya, magiging maayos na ang lahat. Napakasakit para sa ‘kin na saktan ang isang taong mahal ko pero hinihingi yun ng pagkakataon. Hindi ako humingi ng tawad sa gagawin ko kasi alam ko naman na walang kapatawaran yun. Hinanda ko narin yung sarili ko para pag ginawa ko na, wala akong mararamdaman ni katiting na alinlangan. Kailangan maging matatag ako… Kinabukasan… Ginawa ko nga…

Bago nawala si Jeriko, alam ko nagdusa muna siya… Alam ko iyon kasi hindi lamang siya ang nagdusa pati rin naman ako… Isang buong magdamag kaming nagdusa at mas higit pa ako kasi siya pagkatapos nun, nakapagpahingan na siya, samantalang ako patuloy pa rin na nagdurusa. Pero balewala yun, kulang pa yun sa kalupitang ginawa ko sa kanya. Dapat lang sa ‘kin yun…

Nasawi si Jeriko sa aking mga kamay… Para nga akong tanga eh, kasi nagawa ko pa siyang kupkupin sa aking mga bisig na para bang gusto ko pang ipadama sa kanya na kahit papano, minahal ko siya, pero huli na yun, kahit kailan hindi na niya mararamdaman pang minahal ko siya. Ang tangi nalang niyang maaalala ay kung paanong ako na dapat ay nagprotekta sa kanya ang siya pang unang nanakit sa kanya. Ako, na walang kahihiyang nagsasabi na mahal ko siya.

Ang tao talaga, napakakumplikado… Isipin mo, dapat masaya na ‘ko ngayon dahil wala na si Jeriko, pero bakit hindi ako masaya? Para bang gusto ko pang pagsisihan yung ginawa ko eh huli na… Kahit ano pang gawin kong pagsisisi, hindi na maibabalik nun si Jeriko. Masakit palang isipin na, may galit siya sa ‘kin parang ang hirap tanggapin… Pero alam ko yun ang katotohanan, ano pa bang mararamdaman ni Jeriko para sa ‘kin?

May mga gabi naiisip ko pa rin siya, nasaan na kaya siya? Ano na kaya ang kalagayan niya ngayon? Pero hindi na masasagot yung mga tanong ko at kung sakali man ayoko na ring malaman pa ang kasagutan sa mga tanong. Mabuti pang parusahan ko na lamang ang aking sarili para sa kasamaang naranasan ni Jeriko sa akin kaysa isipin pa siya…

Alam ko na kahit kailan ay hindi na ako magkakaroon ng katahimikan, alam ko may mga gabi pa ring maaalala ko si Jeriko, magkikita pa naman siguro kami eh… Ang tangi ko lang masasabi sa kanya, sa susunod na magkita kami ulit hindi na niya mararanasan ang pait ng kalupitan ko. Pangako yun, sa susunod na dumating siya, kahit sa panahong hindi para sa kanya, tatanggapin ko na siya ng buong puso… Pangako yun Jeriko, hindi na kita sasaktan…

I hated

Subic

ever since I went there two years ago. I have never really liked the place. When I went there this weekend, I still didn’t love the place, but the company? Well, that is an entirely different story…

He invited me to

Subic

, and in truth I wasn’t really expecting that he would be inviting me to accompany him. Although it didn’t surprise me when he did invite me. I should have said no to the invitation but on impulse, I said yes. I don’t know why I said yes to his invitation, when in fact I have every reason to say no. First, there is the issue that everyone in the office expected me to say yes if they did know that the invitation really did materialized. They were so sure that he would be inviting me and they believe I would say yes. I wanted to say no just to spite them but I did not and that really surprised me. The second issue that should have made me say no is the fact that my boyfriend will never understand why I have to go spend a weekend in

Subic

alone with a Frenchman. That should have made me say no but still, I said yes…

I still hated

Subic

that time. The sun burned through my skin and the air was too humid it made breathing impossible. Suffice to say,

Subic

was a total bore not only for me but for him as well. I was no help at all either since I was supposed to show him around but as it turns out, I am totally inept at it. If my career were in Tourism, I would have been a total failure…

There was one part though that I could consider as fun. It was during the afternoon when we walked by the beach and chatted about a lot of things. It was especially cute when he started talking with that French accent. I felt so carefree during that walk, it kind of reminded me of who I was once upon a time…

Now comes the part that I don’t even want to write about. I don’t know if I should have allowed that night to happen at all. It made me think that maybe I made the wrong choice in coming, and I ask myself why I allowed it. I didn’t really expect something like that to happen that night but when it did, why am I not surprised? Perhaps I have wanted that to happen just to feel what it’s like to be with someone like him. Because of that night, I have raised a lot of discussions with myself that I don’t even know if I’ll get answers. One thing I could say about that episode is confusing…

I have wondered that perhaps, because of that night, he would think of me as one of those easy Asian girls he often speaks of and that would have been a great addition to the collection of stories about me. But then again, maybe he will not. Damn! I would really like to write about that night in all honesty but I just can’t. It’s too embarrassing and confusing for me. Especially after being nothing but cold the whole time. Maybe someday I will get to write about it but not right now. Perhaps, when all questions have been answered that’s the time I would be writing about it…